I'm one that seeks outside validation when trying to make a decision about my life. From the small decisions to the very large ones, my confidence soars when I know I have someone telling me my concerns, decisions, and actions were right; that they understand and are on my side and in my corner. I'll mull over my options of 'if I do this, than I can do that' with anyone that will listen, sometimes more than once, trying to make a personal decision involving more people than the one that ultimately has to live with the decision I make: me.
If I don't feel I get the right response from someone, I'll keep hammering away at my reasons, sometimes repeating myself different ways, until I almost force the person/people I'm talking to agree with me and justtellmeI'mrightalready!!!
Ultimately, once my decision has been made, I might question myself on if I did the right thing, and again will consult anyone that will listen. To the people I have done this to, thank you for listening and saving the eye rolls for when I'm not around. :)
However, I'm surprised to say that recently I made a pretty big decision for the most part by myself. Sure, I networked ... as I noticed this starting to bubble up to the surface in my life, I voiced my concerns and spoke about how I was unsure of certain things in my life. I listened to what everyone had to say in response, because, you know, I was talking to them for a reason. But then I did something different.
I took in what people had to say without it influencing what my decision was going to be. That feeling alone was alien. I weighed the input they had for me versus what I was feeling. It felt weird and kinda lonely to stand on my own as I sat with each emotion and thought that came up, instead of calling, emailing, or texting anyone with my latest discoveries into where I was on my journey.
One day, when I noticed it was anger bubbling up inside of me, I said out loud to myself, "Ok, Heather, what's going on? Why are you mad and where is this coming from?"
My answer was immediate: I don't want to teach yoga anymore.
Whoa. That's a pretty *$#@$! big decision. I love yoga. Am I failing as a yogi by not wanting to teach what I love? Could I be ok with this decision? I think as soon as I acknowledged it, I actually felt my shoulders relax. Instead of calling someone right away, I tried something else ...
I got quiet. (i know, right???) Not only did I get quiet, I stayed quiet. I let this realization sit with me before mentioning it ... partly because I wanted to make sure it's what *I* wanted, but there was a bigger reason at play, too.
For the first time, possibly ever, making this realization and ultimately coming to this decision felt so true and so authentic to me, that I didn't need to have a group of people standing in my corner or by my side, telling me that I made the right decision. I knew the second I said it aloud to myself that it was the right thing to do.
I also remembered a promise I had made to myself when I signed up for Teacher Training: that I was doing this to go through the journey, and not necessarily to become a yoga teacher. I had heard it was a life changing experience, and that is exactly what I repeated to my husband when I came home from a soon-to-be-graduating-teacher-trainees yoga class: 'Honey! I just have to do this!!!' I told everyone (I can say now that it was a case of outside validation) that I was learning to be a teacher for the experience that came along with it, and the certificate was just a bonus. Every time I started thinking, 'well, what're you going to do once you have that certificate? Are ya gonna teach or are ya gonna let it gather dust?', I would push the thoughts out of my mind, remembering my promise to go through the journey for the journey, and not as an end result to trade teaching for the job I didn't want.
But somewhere in that last weekend of training, I freaked. I got it in my head that I needed to teach right away or that I would never teach, and rather than apply all I had learned along my journey about standing in my own truth and being authentic to me, I just dove in head first to teaching without thinking if this was what I really wanted to do.
Now don't get me wrong; there isn't one step of my journey that I would change in order to get me where I am right now in this moment. And if it wasn't for someone reaching out to me asking me to teach starting immediately, that certificate might have gathered dust as I continued to play the victim in parts of my life. THEN my training would've been all for naught. My training gave me so many tools to work with in my life and taught me confidence in a way I still had yet to see in myself. By teaching yoga, I've made some lifelong friends with other yoga teachers, and while they all have their unique gifts about them I love, they've helped me to uncover the confidence that they knew I had all along. They have all taught me so much; about life, about yoga, about listening and appreciating the moment.
By teaching yoga, I have met wonderful people and have been given the most inspiring words and stories from my students. No matter how many times I taught, my favorite part of the class was just at the end of savasana. When I can see the post yoga bliss they have, when I know they're all calm and blissed out from a good class. When I close with the reading I've chosen and I can see how it resonates with them as much as it resonated with me when I picked it out.
I'm grateful, humbled, and blessed to have made the decision to go on this journey and to continue onto the next part of my journey, no matter where it may lead me.
Which is why I've picked the quote I did for this week ... since first reading it somewhere on Instagram, it has been a quote that has resonated with me time and time again. I'll read it and just stare at the words, feeling each and every one of them.
"Not everyone will understand your journey. That’s fine. It’s not their journey to make sense of. It’s yours." ~ Zero Dean
Til next time,
Love, happiness & coffee,
~ Heather ~